It’s easy to laugh at helicopter parents.
(Especially behind their backs.)
But no one laughs at helicopter-style child care centers.
Actually, they applaud them.
“It’s a marker of quality!” they say.
Why the difference in reactions?
It’s a subtle, nuanced issue.
Stating the obvious, parents and caretakers have different responsibilities.
For child care providers, there are three forces driving overprotection.
American culture, the market (e.g., paying parents), and licensing requirements.
So, if people like it, will pay a premium for it, and it’s practically state policy, you’d think the overprotection of kids must be a very good thing, right?
Nope.
It harms young kids in visible and subtle ways.
Overly safe environments slow physical development
Parental fear about kids getting hurt has grown into a phobia.
Jonathan Haidt, author of The Anxious Generation, says this began in the 1980s.
That’s when cable news went mainstream. With that, an explosion of scary stories about the dangers to kids of everyday items.
Over time, traditional kids spaces, like playgrounds, were remade to make them “safer.”
The merry-go-round?
Bye-bye.
Because kids often fell or got thrown off of it.
Seesaws?
Ditto.
One kid would get off at the bottom, sending his friend sitting opposite him crashing to the ground.
(It always sounded worse than it was!)
What replaced them were all-in-one play structures made of plastic.
The kind you see at every park.
On these, it’s almost impossible for a kid to get hurt!
But an absence of scrapes and bruises isn’t always a net positive.
That’s because kids need challenges to get stronger, faster, more agile and coordinated.
Without them, their muscles (and brains) plateau.
Presenting young kids with reachable challenges via structures, equipment, or games pushes them to practice, to “compete” against themselves.
Kids need a certain amount of risk, while playing.
Regular, manageable risk stops kids from doing crazy things out of boredom.
Risky play is not unsafe play, says Rusty Keeler, playground designer.
No kid should be playing around broken glass, exposed nails, or equipment with structural issues.
That’s just dangerous.
But they should be able to play with things that might give them bruises, small cuts, or scrapes.
It’s a healthy part of learning.
Constant intervention harms social development
A tell-tale sign of helicopter parenting is swooping in to smooth minor social friction.
Sharing toys, for example.
“Timmy, share your truck with Davey. Play nice or I’ll take it away!”
What this intervention does is prevent kids from negotiating with each other.
Which is what they’ll do (starting around age four) when left to themselves.
It also cuts kids off from consequences.
If Timmy doesn’t want to share his toy, Davey may not want to be his friend later.
Pretty soon, Timmy might learn that it’s lonely when your friend is ignoring you!
And thus, it’s probably better to share for the sake of fun.
Many mothers work in child care.
So, it’s no surprise that if they hover around their own kids, they’d do the same at work.
For some daycares, immediate peace (i.e., no screaming) trumps teaching moments.
(How else do you think inane phrases like “Caring is sharing” came to be?)
Dictating the rules of play defeats the purpose of play.
Why do kids play?
Might as well ask why fish swim or ducks quack.
Kids play because it’s what they were made to do.
Often, though, play looks like it has no purpose.
It can change on a dime and quickly turn into arguing or crying.
(And then it can suddenly change back to laughing.)
Because play is a mystery, adults often like to set rules, thinking they’re improving it.
In doing so, though, they usually make it worse.
At least from the kids’ perspective.
Unstructured play feeds creativity. It helps kids make sense of the world and other kids. It’s a safe place to experiment with ideas, the environment, and friends.
When you add rules or impose limits, it becomes something closer to a class, a sport, or a task.
Altering play is a sure way to exasperate small kids.
I know that firsthand.
Too many times, I’ve injected myself into a game the kids made up and turned it into a drill.
(“Stop wasting water by squirting it in the puddle. It’s hot out. Spray each other instead!”)
Nobody likes drills.
If they wanted drills, they’d join the Army.
Helicopter-Style Child Care was made, not born
So how did we reach this point of coddling kids too much and challenging them too little?
As mentioned, in America, the 24/7 news cycle kickstarted it.
Nowadays, with the internet and social media, you could find a scary story about a kid getting hurt on the playground all day, every day.
This has soured a lot of parents on the idea of any risk.
Worried about lawsuits, schools, parks, and daycares have swapped monkey bars for walkways with guardrails.
Pretty soon, everything remotely risky at a playground is gone.
And that becomes acceptable… then normal.
The emphasis on physical safety-above-all puts moms at ease.
Child care centers absorb the message and use it in their marketing.
For example, messy play.
Instead of truly getting outside in the dirt and mud, it’s safer to do it inside, with shaving cream.
But “safety” doesn’t stop with the physical environment.
It spreads to the social realm… then the emotional realm… till it swallows every aspect of childhood.
Again, the 24/7 news cycle pushes the “you can never be too safe” mantra.
Parenting experts, too, have pushed this.
Schools adopt anti-bullying campaigns (which have their own problems).
Child-care licensing agencies adjust their policies to make sure that daycares are continually… safer.
(Even when a new policy deprives kids of healthy risk.)
With such a tight feedback loop, it’s hard to see an alternative.
Fortunately, the tide might be turning.
Healthier options for child care exist
Everyone agrees that kids today spend too much time staring at screens.
Some child care centers are acting on that belief.
More and more daycares are going screen free.
It’ll take a lot of negotiating before the merry go round returns to playgrounds.
But in NYC of all places, The Yard draws huge crowds of kids every weekend.
It’s full of loose parts, tools, and other scary-looking items.
(Helicopter parents or any other adults are barred from entry.)
European-style Forest Schools are now popping up all over the U.S.
As it turns out, playing outside is a great prompt for social-emotional learning
Simple mediums like sand and tools like spoons seem to bring out the best in kids.
Without adults hovering like helicopters, they figure out how to cooperate, take turns, negotiate, and share.
At First Things Child Care, we are always present with kids.
Usually from a distance.
One parent called us “free-range.”
It’s a nice compliment.
If you’re in Billings, MT and looking for child care or preschool, we invite you to stop in for a visit.
Wherever you are, remember this.
Your child only has one childhood.
Give them enough space (physical, emotional, social) to take (reasonable) risks.
Let them challenge themselves.
If you do, they’ll grow into the person you want them to be.